I always wrote a lot. Diary, stories, now the blog, masses of slips of paper with doodles, thoughts, memories. I keep it all in a treasure chest. Others maybe put things inside, I have a paper mess. Texts in german, french, spanish, english and sometimes you can also find a scribble in romanian. I call it my treasure chest collection because these collection of papers does present me. My biggest material treasures you can find in my book shelf but the smallest, the tiniest, the details – nobody knows them except this chest.
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My new home Barcelona is missing me, at the moment I’m in Germany for holiday because I still had to do a lot of work, cancel things, control and sort out. While sorting out my stuff I found a text in my treasure chest which I wrote many time ago. It’s the proof how lucky I am with the people around me. That’s why today you can read a blogpost which is kind of different than the others because I share something with you not everybody knows. I already had published this text collection but then borrowed it once again. But now I won’t borrow it anymore, because we all are stronger than we think. And we have the strength and powers we sometimes even don’t know.
Don’t let nobody bring you down to your knees. Nobody and nothing…
Sometimes there is something which throws you out off course. You are standing there, helpless and you can’t hold it or even control it. You even can’t control yourself and you will do things without being convinced to do it right. We are all on a journey. Going a path. Some people have a path of asphalt, with flowers on both sides. That’s nice for them that they chose the easy path. As long as they are okay with that, there won’t be any bloodshed. But of some others the path is made of crushed rock, stony, steep and ruthless. I had to walk this way barefoot in the last few weeks. And blood was shed. “Don’t be that bitchy”, he said, I stoned his words. So many pebbles. But they came back like a boomerang and left more scars than my body already has. It hurt. And blood was shed. I was chewing dirty words and throwing out everything. But before he raged. And he destroyed everything I could call my life. I only can trust myself. I shared lies because I still have to practice this gift until it’s perfect. There are wonderful people who are staying with me anyhow. I’m in Copenhagen right now. The city is cute. But it’s not about the city. Since many months it’s a matter of how I could get on with myself without getting crazy. Because he destroyed everything. And blood was shed. You are fine with brushing all aside, at least for a while. But sooner or later the resistance will be broken. You should listen to your body. When it’s bleeding, crying or hungry. I hate doctors. And I hate bloodshed. I’m not a pro in being strong but I can fight. And there will be a day when he is gonna be small and I am gonna be tall. Then I will be the winner. Wild horses are running through my head, through my brain and mainly through my heart. They give the power which I need. However but I will get through this. You will see.
“Don’t make a fuss”, he said all the time. He was enraged. How can you be mad because I’m tired? I don’t want that. Something broke inside of me. The other day when you hurt me so much. But I’m not allowed to make a fuss. To be tired doesn’t count. But you are able to sleep the whole night after it. We changed parts. Because then I became angry. I threw you out much too late. You slept in blood and tears, I hated it. I hated you in this moment. In my mind I scrunched up photos and deleted memories. They are too dirty anyway to think about one moment longer. And you can strain yourself however you want but they won’t never become clean anymore. Your work is done – but I am no longer part of it. Shut up, I will make a fuss. Time for you to go.
There are many outraged faces. Nobody expected that. Of course not, me either. They are talking to me that I made the right decision. But in my opinion I made this decision too late. We buggered it up. No, that’s wrong. You buggered it up. You on your own. I’m not the one who is looking for mistakes in other persons and for sure I also made enough mistakes. “Stop snivelling”, you said without paying attention to the blood. It doesn’t interest you as long as you can leave the whole story as a winner. You will never do this again. I let many people win. My little brother for example. Always. I’m always the one who will withdraw for others celebrating their triumph. I am able to fight but not to win. Only for you I will make an exception. I will fight until I won. You won’t be the winner because I won’t let you win.
I’m thinking a lot. But never thinking of you. Thoughts of you are forbidden. And a waste. It would make me angry anyway. I’m just not thinking. That’s better. You never made that either. You never thought about how you can hurt me, you just did. You didn’t think about respect. There are many sorts of respect, you had none to be proud of. It’s a really shameful indictment not being able to stand up for the little granny of the neighborhood in the tram. You aren’t interested in other people. They only make you upset because you think it’s nonsense what they are doing. As we did shopping at a sunday afternoon, you was angry with me because I forgot to buy my stuff within the week and wanted to do it on a sunday when the whole supermarket was overfilled. You was upset and ignored me. I never begged you to come with me but it was my fault then that you couldn’t get your favorite crisps due to masses of people. Anyway you are sitting then on my sofa, eating other crisps and still ignoring me even if I paid your crisps. I’m not resentful for those little things, I can overlook that. But we have a different understanding of respect. And as long as you “only” are treating the little granny in the tram without respect, I never said anything and was just angry about it for myself. But now you also lost your respect with me. And I won’t accept that anymore. My world is spinning on, it’s existing at my wall now. But it’s existing without you because I decided to take the respect. Not you because obviously you don’t want to cooperate with the respect. Maybe I should invite the lovely little granny of the neighborhood for a cup of coffee, so she can watch my world, full of respect.
Something changed. And my soul’s circulation is kind of afraid of that because it just didn’t take much time. Actually I only wanted to hole up myself. Closing all doors and windows, not seeing anyone. Forgetting everything. And not talking about it until it’s endured in maybe a couple of years when the wound doesn’t hurt anymore. At leat I calculated with some years for that. Because one day it will burst and hurt again, I thought. But obviously not if someone comes into your life before, using all his strength and power to repair the wound. This person threw me out off course more than everything else before. For sure it wasn’t planned. I closed up my fucked-up heart but in fact there is a tiny back door which he found. I need time. He gives me more than only time. I’m feeling better. Really, I am able to manage my life again. Far away from the german rules. In between of chaos, crazyness and a bunch of emotions of which I thought that I couldn’t cope with them very well at the moment. “You are completely aimless”, he always said, the other guy who must be not named. I am the personification of order since I met my new definition of chaos. We don’t have any ideas where we will end up but we are not thinking and just drifting. Because it’s this new story of chaos what I want. Not thinking about it, especially not thinking about THIS TIME. My soul is eating its fill and my heart is able to breathe again. Because you blew up the chains, you sweet little personified chaos from the other side of Europe.
I don’t have much to say. Only that he made everything better. I’ve almost all of my exams done, he cared a lot that I won’t fail. I directly slipped into something I never had before, something different and bigger than I thought. He is more than medicine. And I think, it might be all said of my personal life. I think, I’m healed. Or at least a lot better.
(unknown date)
Whatever we do, there will be always people who fight against your luck. They try to destroy, to knuckle down, to control and to make you small. We live in a world where you have to be selfish because everyone is selfish and you will get smashed if you put up with everything. Usually I’m not selfish. I hate it to take my own first, I would share my last food, I thought. But I learned that the world wouldn’t share with you and they would steal you the last thing even if you was supposed to share with them. I learned that you always will have persons who envy you and who try to destroy your life because they can’t have the same. There will be always persons who take everything really serious and personal even if you didn’t want to insult anyone. They don’t believe you and they told me that the best thing I know is sharing lies. I learned that I’m not able to make it right to everyone, so I should stop to try it. I will protect myself better. So there won’t be any bloodshed with my life anymore. I take my decisions – and not everybody will like them. I make my life – and not everybody will celebrate it with me. And I will lose my patience for people who let me justify every single step in the past. I’m happy. And I’m happy with the person I chose and in the city I chose. Thank you, life.
(26-08-2018)
Personal diary
I wrote that I won’t borrow this post. I want to keep my word although I withdrawed the post once again and made some changes. The withdrawal was made for reasons and the changes for resulting reasons as well. After the first publishing circa 10 persons wrote me who felt addressed. I asked myself appalledly if I’m such a bad person who just destroys and snubs everything. As such as I cannot imagine that, because I know myself and I’m thankful to the city of Barcelona which gives me every day the opportunity to know myself better than before, so cleaned my mind form this thought and asked myself which problems these people have. Probably you can’t find someone who makes everything right and also I hurt many people in my life and I raged in their hearts like a thunderstorm. It hurts in my soul having destroyed so much and now speaking about the same destruction others did to me. But I decided to push away this destruction because in the mentioned case it happened with envy. As it’s difficult to satisfy envy persons, you shouldn’t even try it and forearm yourself with your selfish side. Not sharing because of self protection reasons is really sad for me, that’s why I left Germany.
I don’t want to blame anyone being the reason of my emigration, only to the huge envy in the heads of human beings. In Barcelona I found my peace with this situation because the people around me want to share with me the little that they have and don’t request more. You don’t need self protection here, you don’t need to be selfish.
A long time ago I found in this city the person with whom I can learn, share, live and cope with all these things. He gives me the peace after all this nonsense. He is the chaos, the biggest mess, the thoughtlessness, the love, the honesty and a little volcano. He is the enthusiam, energy, the aimlessness, the satisfaction with the little details and the affection which doesn’t fit in any jar of the world, doesn’t matter how tall or large it is. He is the drunkenness which is not alcohol-related, the laughing of a child and the attention you can’t find in many people. He is the philosophy, which is missing and lost in the religion, he is the outburst of fury, burning down the forest once and being calmed with a silent and soft rain, he is the voice which cleans your conscience. He is the heart which doesn’t know any borderline and the ear which tells you the story of “Momo”. He’s everything for me and we started to build up our life in Barcelona.
Concerning to my life in Barcelona, we still have some start difficulties, but soon we get through it and then I can tell you more about crazy catalans, tapas-evenings, until you burst because of eating and latinos who love each other because they insult each other – or maybe they insult each other because they love each other, who knows. In the middle there is a barefoot walking german girl who can live without it anymore.
*By the way, the picture of me was made by my “little Söckchen”, Patrick Mader,who is traveling through the world, writing everything down on his blog and making me crazy with his “could-you-correct-that”-actions (no problem, cutie, I like to correct it for you, but sometimes I think you played skat in the german lessons). But you should read it anyway. Cheers and talking soon.
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