Healing processes

©Kerstin Fiedler, Neukloster. Neuklosteraner See / HOME
©Kerstin Fiedler, Neukloster. Neukloster lake / HOME

I don’t know myself. I never did. I walk through the world and I don’t watch myself in a mirrow really often. 

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Once again it has been a couple of time that you couldn’t read anything of me. Time is losing itself. Time is losing me. Sometimes I let time lose myself and I do what I like then. Meanwhile Christmas is over and we have a new year. I don’t like resolutions because they are squibbed at the latest in february, but in earnest I really have one for this year, too. I want to change myself. No new hair, no new clothes. I want to change my midmost. Because I don’t like it anymore.

Inside of me a windstorm is raging. It’s not gonna stop because I still have to know myself better. If you have a real twist of fate within the last three years, it will leave marks. I still can’t say if I rather like the marks of the old days or the new ones of the present. Maybe it also should be a mixture of both.
I like that there are people who know me well. Other people only say that. And the rest isn’t interested in what they say. I don’t belong to any of these three categories. I don’t know whether I know myself well. I look in different mirrows, car windows, in the water and in selfies, but I can’t recognize myself. You don’t need reflective things to do so. At least I don’t. If I want to know how I would react in a specific situation, I’ll ask my boyfriend. Or my mother. If I am fustrated or devastated, only my brother will be able to make everything better. If I want to cogitate, everybody will know that I don’t want to see anyone. If my head is overfilled, my best friend will check at once that she has to give me time for brainstorming. But if I want to recognize myself, I’ll only need to do one thing: HORSERIDING.

Golden Bay, Malta - Der tunesische Araber Ram hat gut auf mich aufgepasst!
Golden Bay, Malta – The tunesian Arab horse Ram really took care of me!

The last post was about animals and a really touchy topic which left a really big scar in my life. It still hurts. And once again it was a horse which made everything better just a few days later. Unfortunately I can’t go horseriding very often, but I did it again. It’s a long lasting process and I already tried it on this blog to find some words about it. There is no use about it if you want to find a formulation, you have to feel it. Feeling a horse, what kind of bullshit is that, the not-interested-group would say. Well, go on then.
Once again there people who think that I’m lying to myself and once again it’s about this critical topic animals which became a real burden because everyone knows it better. You travel into another country, go to a horseriding center and you’ll get a horse which has to suffer every day with another idiot. There are people who behave well with horses and there are people which the horse should trample down. I had to know many of these persons and I just wanted to take the poor horse of them. Even in my hometown Leipzig I’m still looking for a place where I can go horseriding regularly without getting strained emotionally. I don’t want to have a horse crammed in a hologramm.

Hologramms are three-dimensional receptions of things. A horse is neither a thing nor only three-dimensional. It has so much of profundity and warmth. This warmth, the pulsating heart underneath the coat, the snorting which tells me that I have to change something, the body tension which wants to tell me so many pictures and views. And then I sit there up on the back of the horse and smile because there is nothing different which makes me so happy. What is it actually, “luck”? Or “to be lucky”? If you ask Google, you’ll end up with many lopp ways on pages of the Hinduism, Buddhism, meditation themes or in India where all this has its spirituel base. I am really sceptical about the topic religion and I reckon to be not able to travel to India in the next time, so I started meditation which must be enough at the moment. But as I still have to learn and practice that and even don’t know if it will work, I should resort first to the things of which I already know that they herp me. I need a horse.
A horse helps me to see me how I am. Pure and without toxic supplements, which are getting too much pressure. A horse communicates in pictures. These animals can tell me only with their eyes and their body tension more than some human beings. And always when I went horseriding, this knowledge comes out of the shadow. Then I’ll have creativ ideas, future dreams or I’ll know where I belong to. And I don’t have to notice anymore that I mutated to a lone wolf.


©Kerstin Fiedler, Neukloster. Neuklosteraner See / TRÄUMEREIEN
©Kerstin Fiedler, Neukloster. Neukloster lake / DREAMING

Unfortunately this moment lasts only for a short time. As long as I have the horse, to be correct. And some after maths I always have. At the moment I don’t like my windstorm, it’s on the ropes without strength. I should go horseriding, but I don’t have the time and that’s why all these changes I don’t like, create a new person which I don’t like. I don’t listen in university lectures, I waste time, I protract things. I’m not able anymore to perceive my environment.
Many people say that I’m strange. Maybe they are right. Obviously I’m different than only one year ago. Would be sad if you never change in your life. Sometimes I only think that these changes could appear less and not so concentrated, that would be nice. Then they won’t overstrain me anymore. I have wanderlust. I want to go horseriding. I want to do things only for me. Or kind of doing nothing. Really nothing. Everything at the same time you won’t make. Remember the line-up, my grandfather always said. New year, new luck. Task: enjoy life. And horses.