Healing processes

©Kerstin Fiedler, Neukloster. Neuklosteraner See / HOME
©Kerstin Fiedler, Neukloster. Neukloster lake / HOME

I don’t know myself. I never did. I walk through the world and I don’t watch myself in a mirrow really often. 

[showhide more_text=”CONTINUE READING” less_text=”HIDE”]

Once again it has been a couple of time that you couldn’t read anything of me. Time is losing itself. Time is losing me. Sometimes I let time lose myself and I do what I like then. Meanwhile Christmas is over and we have a new year. I don’t like resolutions because they are squibbed at the latest in february, but in earnest I really have one for this year, too. I want to change myself. No new hair, no new clothes. I want to change my midmost. Because I don’t like it anymore.

Inside of me a windstorm is raging. It’s not gonna stop because I still have to know myself better. If you have a real twist of fate within the last three years, it will leave marks. I still can’t say if I rather like the marks of the old days or the new ones of the present. Maybe it also should be a mixture of both.
I like that there are people who know me well. Other people only say that. And the rest isn’t interested in what they say. I don’t belong to any of these three categories. I don’t know whether I know myself well. I look in different mirrows, car windows, in the water and in selfies, but I can’t recognize myself. You don’t need reflective things to do so. At least I don’t. If I want to know how I would react in a specific situation, I’ll ask my boyfriend. Or my mother. If I am fustrated or devastated, only my brother will be able to make everything better. If I want to cogitate, everybody will know that I don’t want to see anyone. If my head is overfilled, my best friend will check at once that she has to give me time for brainstorming. But if I want to recognize myself, I’ll only need to do one thing: HORSERIDING.

Golden Bay, Malta - Der tunesische Araber Ram hat gut auf mich aufgepasst!
Golden Bay, Malta – The tunesian Arab horse Ram really took care of me!

The last post was about animals and a really touchy topic which left a really big scar in my life. It still hurts. And once again it was a horse which made everything better just a few days later. Unfortunately I can’t go horseriding very often, but I did it again. It’s a long lasting process and I already tried it on this blog to find some words about it. There is no use about it if you want to find a formulation, you have to feel it. Feeling a horse, what kind of bullshit is that, the not-interested-group would say. Well, go on then.
Once again there people who think that I’m lying to myself and once again it’s about this critical topic animals which became a real burden because everyone knows it better. You travel into another country, go to a horseriding center and you’ll get a horse which has to suffer every day with another idiot. There are people who behave well with horses and there are people which the horse should trample down. I had to know many of these persons and I just wanted to take the poor horse of them. Even in my hometown Leipzig I’m still looking for a place where I can go horseriding regularly without getting strained emotionally. I don’t want to have a horse crammed in a hologramm.

Hologramms are three-dimensional receptions of things. A horse is neither a thing nor only three-dimensional. It has so much of profundity and warmth. This warmth, the pulsating heart underneath the coat, the snorting which tells me that I have to change something, the body tension which wants to tell me so many pictures and views. And then I sit there up on the back of the horse and smile because there is nothing different which makes me so happy. What is it actually, “luck”? Or “to be lucky”? If you ask Google, you’ll end up with many lopp ways on pages of the Hinduism, Buddhism, meditation themes or in India where all this has its spirituel base. I am really sceptical about the topic religion and I reckon to be not able to travel to India in the next time, so I started meditation which must be enough at the moment. But as I still have to learn and practice that and even don’t know if it will work, I should resort first to the things of which I already know that they herp me. I need a horse.
A horse helps me to see me how I am. Pure and without toxic supplements, which are getting too much pressure. A horse communicates in pictures. These animals can tell me only with their eyes and their body tension more than some human beings. And always when I went horseriding, this knowledge comes out of the shadow. Then I’ll have creativ ideas, future dreams or I’ll know where I belong to. And I don’t have to notice anymore that I mutated to a lone wolf.


©Kerstin Fiedler, Neukloster. Neuklosteraner See / TRÄUMEREIEN
©Kerstin Fiedler, Neukloster. Neukloster lake / DREAMING

Unfortunately this moment lasts only for a short time. As long as I have the horse, to be correct. And some after maths I always have. At the moment I don’t like my windstorm, it’s on the ropes without strength. I should go horseriding, but I don’t have the time and that’s why all these changes I don’t like, create a new person which I don’t like. I don’t listen in university lectures, I waste time, I protract things. I’m not able anymore to perceive my environment.
Many people say that I’m strange. Maybe they are right. Obviously I’m different than only one year ago. Would be sad if you never change in your life. Sometimes I only think that these changes could appear less and not so concentrated, that would be nice. Then they won’t overstrain me anymore. I have wanderlust. I want to go horseriding. I want to do things only for me. Or kind of doing nothing. Really nothing. Everything at the same time you won’t make. Remember the line-up, my grandfather always said. New year, new luck. Task: enjoy life. And horses.


Do (not) swim with dolphins!


“There are always umpteen views. The golden and the other side oof a coin don’t use for anything. Because the world isn’t only black and white.”

[showhide more_text=”CONTINUE READING” less_text=”HIDE”]

I think, it was our best experience in Malta. I found out before that you can go swimming with dolphins there. Because we wanted to do something really special, we just decided to register. Probably most of the biggest animal activists will be absolutely angry and mad about these pictures. Are we crazy? You should forbid these dolphinariums. You cannot do that, the poor animals. And if you put the photo on Facebook or other social media, you are really fast the biggest animal torturer in the world. Unfortunately I also had this shitstorm. I don’t have to justify myself but I just had the wish to get rid of my mind.

No animals in captivity?

For sure I’m no enemy of animals, I like animals. I like the cat of my dad, I like the horses in my riding stable. I love penguins like crazy and I’m always happy if there are aquariums or parks to watch them. I also visit zoos sometimes and when I was little, my farther took us often on the boat to go fishing. We gathered snakes in his garden, we fed hedgehogs though the winter and all cats of the village, we carried toads all over the whole place. I was a nature kid. When kids hadn’t smartphones and laptops yet. My brother and me, we were used to play outside in the garden with everything we could find. And in a small village you learn to treat animals with respect. In the past first the animals were fed, then the people, my farther always told us. In a village it was normal that animals and men live together under the same roof. They need each other. I never learned (luckily) how to slaughter a pig or to kill a fish without lot of pain, but I learned that animals are better than people. Because animals don’t judge you because you go into a zoo to watch their bored conspecifics.

I don’t like to visit zoos. I didn’t find many zoos which I like either in my life. Mostly the animals were cooped in a cage, they get their food without doing anything for it and they bore themselves to death. For sure the animals activists are right that an animal belongs to the wilderness where they come from but sometimes I don’t disagree with the idea to show these animals to people who cannot pay a journey into the usual surroundings of this animal. For children it’s a good thing. The bad fact: so many zoos abuse their power. For me it’s scary that the souvenir shop proportionately as big as the whole zoo. I rather like parks where endangered species are protected. It doesn’t work because people are commercial and if you can’t see the animal in an appropriate compound, the tickets aren’t sold out.

There are so many criminals and dark machineries in this world. Poacher who kill elephants for ivory, monster who let sharks die in meshes because the kilo prize has to be right and no one has the time to save a poor shark, idiots who wipe out tigers for their fur, black marketer who earn so much money with fur coats because it’s cheaper to produce real fur in China than fake fur in the USA. Sadly it’s not different with the dolphins. I don’t want to know who many whales and dolphins are slaughtered every year, without any sense because the meat isn’t worth much in Asia anymore, mostly it runs to seed. And nowadays there are so many alternatives for the cosmetic production. Nevertheless killing dolphins has no end. If the dolphins don’t die because of that, they perish in a fisher mesh like the sharks because the fisher’s ships confuse their echo sounding systems. Maybe in the wilderness the dolphin becomes ten years and in captivity twenty.

Malta and the dolphins


Of course we looked for some informations before registrating there, even if many critics don’t believe me. Where are they from, the animals, how they are treated? The park is quite small, there are 6 dolphins, some sea lions, parrots, turtles and reptiles. We got a security instruction and life jackets. You have to put off all jewels. The both dolphin trainers always were with us and watched out. We were allowed to swim with the dolphins, pet them, we learned a lot of interesting stuff about them and they took photos of us and the animals. It was amazing. Before I was so exited and after it completely happy that we invested this mount of money. Dolphins are very intelligent, kittenish and curious animals, the trainers worked with many hand signs and I was surprised how fast the dolphins got it. Their skin is really soft and a little bit scarred because for their social interaction they bite each other. A dolphin without scars would be really lonely. We swam for half an hour with the animals, after it we could spend the rest of the day in the park and watch all the other shows and animals. In any case it was a incredible experience and remembered me of the time as a child in the small village where animals are better than people. Because animals are pure, altruistic and heal wounds.

Thereafter we were completely happy and so exited that we posted the picture on Facebook. I suppose that it should be clear before that not everyone will like this photo. But I never expected such a big verbal massacre.


A terrible word. My mom is librarian. You don’t harry books. My dad is from a small village. You don’t harry animals. I grew up with these two basic facts. Of course I already slew scores of mosquitos, I killed spiders and drowned wasps. I am no vegetarian either, well, not really at least. I go into the supermarket and as a student I bus the cheapest milk and any sausage of the shelf because I have to hurry. And I don’t think about it. Sometimes I also end up in McDonald’s because I cannot keep my hands off the strawberry milkshakes. I don’t buy in wholefood shops but I don’t judge people doing this. Vegan food isn’t bad and of course I get scared when I watch pictures or videos of the work in cattle farms, of the cages of chickens, of dying mice and rats in laboratories or of torreros who torture the poor bulls into the death. No matter where, everywhere on world people harry animals until the animals die. Even then you can reproduce it to money. Then you put the meat into plastic, it end up in Penny or Lidl and the big question is if the package implies what is written on it. Fail, since the horse-meat-in-lasagne-thing. But nevertheless we do it all. No matter if we buy cheap meat in the supermarket, bags of crocodile leather or if we go swimming with dolphins. I was accused indirectly to not think about my acting. That I don’t see the consequences. You are an animal tormentor if you swim with dolphins? According to PETA you support like this the slaughtering of the animals, somewhere near the japonese coast. Allegedly all marine parks take part and hence some alive dolphins finance the extinction of their conspecifics.

Actually I should cross out CRUELTY TO ANIMALS and just write down EXPOSURE. And put it in colour. Because the world isn’t only black and white. For sure dolphins are killed of criminal people every day but there are as well some little japonese fishers, somewhere on a tiny island with 100 habitants who survive with killing and eating dolphins if they don’t get other stuff into the mesh. And they even did it 2000 years ago. We are in Europe and eat meat of cattle or porc. And it’s the normal way of life, human beings are part of the ecosystem and everyone just wants to survive. The mentality and the feeling for convention, morale and modesty I would call ruined, 20 000 years ago mammoth were hunted and eaten, today we ruin pigs and their minor valued meat in plastic. As long as the world doesn’t understand that we can’t eat money, we won’t change the mentality. It’s about money. It’s about a mount of money. The person who has it could be able to afford the animal friendly production of meat, milk or eggs. The person who doesn’t – every man for himself. And then the milk from Lidl has to be enough. My brother works in the agriculture. I have a huge respect for this job even if everyone just looks at it in a shabby way. And it’s a shame that all the farmers are payed for their physical and mental work just with minimum wage. Without agriculture we wouldn’t have anything to eat but the insurance companies are coining money. Something is obviously really wrong. Probably you cannot change it as a normal person and because the basics of the childhood don’t work anymore in this society, everyone create his own little Paris to not become insane. At leat my mom call it like that. And my little Paris was made of swimming with dolphins, because I wanted to learn to know these animals, knowing that there are enough dark machineries to shake the head for. But even if you forbid all dolphinariums of the world, the slaughtering wouldn’t stop.

I don’t need to reproach myself with these cases. I visited a park with dolphins. I touched the animals and I swam with them. So what? The animals havn’t got damaged and I never killed or tortured a dolphin by myself. If you have dolphins in captivity, you need to keep them busy or they’ll get agressive. And I think a dolphin is intelligent enough to know what is a human person. They are even one of the fewest animals which are able to sense themselves. To judge the whole thing is idiology, a clever person told me, my farther who has the ability for checking a situation within some seconds and finding the right words to explain. It never worked to proselytise. If the people aren’t allowed anymore to swim with dolphins then they aren’t allowed to go by airplane, car or ship either, building houses, buying clothes of Primark, taking plastic bags in the supermarket and having normal light bulbs in the bathroom. No more. But people do and not later than here also the boss of Greenpeace does who buys his carrots maybe in an organic food market, is a strict opposer of fur coats and leather bags but tolerates the deforestation of the rain forests for soja plantations of our lovely vegans. By the way, I don’t like Greenpeace or PETA, these companies rake in money and it’s just about the power. Who has more of it and whom you can take it away? And I don’t believe the arguments that all of it is only ratfucking.

Everyone on his own…

I don’t have any problems with people who live with vegan food, don’t go to Primark, don’t buy Crême fraîche in a supermarket which is not organic, or never visit a zoo. Everyone like he wants to live, it’s okay. It’s more than okay. But I don’t want to hear that I’m cruel to animals only because I live like it’s not the lifestyle of someone else. I build my little Paris as best as possible and sometimes my little Paris is about horses, penguins and also dolphins. I wouldn’t say that I’m very fundamentalist, you can talk with about everything. Furthermore I think that you’ll become really unhappy with too many opinions not changable. People always will fight because they hate the lifestyle, the religion, the views or the choice of the make-up of the others. Supposedly you don’t have to take it personal. But the reproach to be cruel to animals is a personal thing and damages only all involved persons if you can’t make a difference between constructive critics what I even could understand to do so, and striking accusations.

I will visit other countries and I will do again things not everyone likes, instead these people do things I don’t like. It’s absurd to discuss about it, all people are different and no one has the same interests. And it’s not worth it if you even can’t make a compromise. You should never say never but like my life is going at the moment, I can’t imagine vegan food, a friday without horseriding lessons, other countries without special moments or to go shopping on vintage fleahmarkets without spending much money. It’s me. And there are people, for them it’s alright, for others not. It’s okay, I never force anyone, but I don’t let someone force me. Though I never go to Primark either and I would rather take an animal from an animal shelter than a pet shop but I don’t let you call me irresponsible. Because the world isn’t only black and white.



And then I got it that Malta is an island. A really interesting one, by the way.

Comino - Blue Lagoon

“It was you who wanted to go to Malta, Madam.” – “Yes, and then I got it that Malta is an island.” (the catastrophy team while planning the trip, really promising.

After a long break I’m back! Maybe the last few weeks and months happened really much but maybe I just have the wrong time management. I wrote my exams, I went back to Barcelona, I’ll write about that as well later, I helped my boyfriend with writing his Bachelor these and then I was really glad to go on holidays to Malta by myself.

[showhide more_text=”CONTINUE READING” less_text=”HIDE”]

©Lydia Gerber, Hamburg. Malta - Golden Bay
©Lydia Gerber, Hamburg. Malta – Golden Bay

My best friend Lydie and me, we went to Malta. Before I had two opinions. I was so exited to see a new country and new places but on the other hand I get really seasick and with three island going by ship might be not to avoid. That’s why I bought some pills before against seasickness, but this was the only preparation I made.

...und das Meiste gab es nun mal auch eindeutig vom Wasser aus zu sehen...
…and of course you can see the most things water-based, halleluja!

Small, but powerful

We liked Malta. I really have a weakness for small islands. Warm islands. I love it to go into the culture and history and to try everything possible there. Shells in your hands, sand on your skin and salt in the hair, it’s perfect. And I don’t need luxury. I don’t need a huge hotel. I just need a good time and peaceful thoughts, far away of the stressful Germany.

Valletta Bay
Valletta Bay
Gozo - Azur Window
Gozo – Azur Window

We learned a lot of stuff about the maltese history, I admire the willpower of the habitants. A mix of tough and lovable. We met many people, heard good stories and wrote everything down for not forgetting anything. I could fill whole diaries with words which will be lost otherway. Malta has round about 450 000 inhabitants, the capital city Valletta has 5700. No, I didn’t forget a zero. It’s the smallest capital city of the European Union if you don’t count the Vatican. Valletta already served many times as movie location, “Troja” or “Gladiator” were shot here. The biggest fortress of Europe belongs also to UNESCO. The reasons are a amazing history about a tiny country never giving up.

Wild water at Blue Grotto
Wilderocean at the Blue Grotto

Because tiny countries always have a fascinating history…

The first setteler on the island were Carthaginian, but of course the Romans exiled them soon. We visited in the small city Il-Rabat the last relict of the Romans, an old house (Domus Romanus). The typical roman grounds of mosaic are conserved really well. You can’t find many other roman tracks, only the latin letters were adopted. The Romans called Malta Melita, the roman word for honey. The island is quite barren, only olives, cactuses, figs and some grapes. And honey of course, we saw many bees there. Honey might be the biggest export property.
In the time of the Migration Period the Roman Empire fell into pieces and Malta got under byzantine and germanic control. The island is an important point in the Mediterranean Sea, a crossover between Europe and Africa and the Ottoman Empire and Gibraltar. The Arabian captured the island but they left soon because of disinterest. But the Arabian command left tracks, the maltese language is the only semitic language of the whole world which has latin letters. I’m so interested in such language stuff, also in history and culture of a country.


Stachelige Landschaft
Thistly landscape
Mdina, Main Gate
Mdina, Main Gate
Mdina, the old Arabian capital. As you can see, it looks really oriental. I loved these small streets.
Mdina, the old Arabian capital. As you can see, looks quite oriental. I loved these tiny streets a lot.
Sand sucht man meistens vergebens...
You look for sand mostly for nothing…

Far away in the Holy Land Rhodes the fraternity of Johanniter was established, a christian community under Jean de Vallette. They fought a lot against the Ottoman Empire but they lost and were driven off of Rhodes. They arrived in Malta grudgingly because they thought that this infertile country won’t feed a whole population. The setteler of the island arranged themselves with the knights of the fraternity and Jean de Vallette took over the control. He let build a fortress because it was his biggest wish to pay it back to the sultan of the Ottoman Empire and to defeat him. The fortress was named after him – Valletta. The knights of the Johanniter fell for pomposity and the maltese setteler started some revolutions with them. When the Ottoman Empire attacked, 8000 Ottomans had to fight against 1500 knights and weak Maltese. But nevertheless Valletta was just sieged for a couple of months, the fortress bore up (The Great Siege). The Ottoman Empire lost 6000 men and even the highest ranking general fell. The Maltese hadn’t so many victims. They got help from Sicily and the small country defeated the huge Ottoman Empire. Jean de Vallette united the nation but he couldn’t celebrate his victory very long because of long lasting civil disturbances. Then Napoleon could take over Malta with almost no resistance. It ended in a dictatorship and the French looted voraciously all the valuable treasures of the Arabian, Byzantines and Cathaginian to finance Napoleon’s raids. There was a revolution and the last French people on the island looked for protection in the old fortress. The British Empire put a stop to it after few months, when Malta became Britith colony.

Sunset at Valletta Bay
Sunset in Valletta Bay
Valletta's Türen
Details of Valletta

The British Empire had a softer regime, Malta was allowed to administrate on his own as the first British colony. The island had an important function for Great Britain in the World War II, it was a marine base and some parts were completely destroyed of bombs and weapons. The fortresses exist until today. Unbreakable. 1964 Malta became independent and since 2004 the country is part of the European Union. Since 2008 they have the Euro as official currency.
The British Empire left the most tracks. They have left-hand traffic and English of next to the semitic maltese the official language. All signs are in both languages.

Sliema Bay
Sliema harbour, not far away we had our hostel.

Such a small and unimpressive appearing country, but so much strength and willpower. I felt in every corner like there should be someone with a fairytale book in his hands to complete the street art picture. Like in 1001 nights, only quite European. The maltese people mix it up. They are very nice, open-minded, early birds and and communicative. I was only exalted the whole time. One of our tourguides said: “Never let you fool of the size of a country.” Yeah, lesson learned, it’s true. Small, but powerful.

Comino, Blue Lagoon
Comino, Blue Lagoon
Comino, Blaue Lagune
Comino, Blue Lagoon
Sliema Bucht
Sliema Bay